Living Catholicism: Boys Should be Boys by Dr. Meg Meeker

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July 26, 2008

Boys Should be Boys by Dr. Meg Meeker

Dr. Meg Meeker is a Catholic physician who treats families and sees the effects that parents can have on kids. Last year, I reviewed Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Dr. Meeker and really enjoyed it. This year she has released a new book: Boys Should be Boys which finalizes the series of one book for each gender.

Unlike Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, this book is written for both mothers and fathers of boys. And it is a fantastic analysis of our culture with a healthy dose of practical parenting suggestions. The practicality of both books is what makes them special; these aren't theory or esoteric suggestions, but real, actual advice that you can immediately start applying no matter the age of your son.

The subtitle is 7 Secrets to Raising Healthy Sons and these "secrets" are applicable now to your child's life. Dr. Meeker does a fantastic job of weaving in statistics and information from studies along with individual stories of children that typify certain problems and behaviors. There were a couple of passages in particular that stuck out for me and one was the story of Maddie and her son, Sam. As a young teenager, Sam changed from a good, obedient child to "sarcastic and volatile" at age 13. His mother was concerned and Dr. Meeker discovered that Sam had a MySpace page that his mother had not seen:

The truth is that [Maddie's] mind rationalized, her instincts brought her through my office door. She knew her son; she knew that something was wrong - she was simply afraid to face it. Because if she faced it, then she had a decision to make: what to do about it. That was what frightened her even more. If she made [Sam] get rid of his MySpace page, or even his computer, she was terrified that he would rebel - even run away. She was afraid if she handled the problem the wrong way, she would be a miserable mother and turn her son into a rotten kid.

In my experience, Maddie's feelings typify the majority of parents I encounter around the country. We are afraid to really see what our boys are up to, not because they're bad kids, but because we're afraid of disciplining them. Discipline takes energy and it's unnerving. We want them home, even if they're engaging in unhealthy activities because we're frightened that if we stop activities which are unhealthy for them, we'll lose our sons. Let me assure you of one thing: half-way homes and jails aren't full of boys who have been disciplined, they are full of boys whose parents have left them alone.

It turns out that Sam's MySpace page was filled with inappropriate language and sexual references that made him feel alienated from his parents. Dr. Meeker's insight into parents (she is one) and knowledge of the science and studies behind parenting make her a perfect expert. And the book is very readable - the stories keep it alive and the science backs up her points and theories. I recommend it for all parents of boys. Another of the little bits of advice that stuck with me:

    When boys are young, parents can begin developing their kindness by teaching them to speak well of others. Speech and behavior go together. Train a boy to speak well of others and over time he will treat those people better.

    Disciplining a boy to talk differently will make him think differently. This technique works beautifully. If a parent insists that a boy stop talking negatively about a friend, for instance, over time he will either forget about the friend's bad habits or actually learn to like him. When boys are prohibited from complaining, they become happier. The way a boy talks about someone cause him to think about that person the same way. Boys think on what they say. If they complain, negative thoughts not only precede the complaint, they follow them. Then, a boy forms a very negative pattern of thinking. When this happens, he not only complains more, but begins to act unhappy. He wants to play less and go fewer places.

    Many parents allow complaining because they feel that boys need to express their feelings. Boys do need to be encouraged to verbalize how they feel, but that's not what happens in complaining. More often than not, complaining erupts from a bad mood, malcontent, and boredom. Train verbal complaints out of your son. If you don't, he will mature into a miserable man and fail to see anything good past his own nose. Teach him, on the other hand, to say only positive things about others and he will act more kindly toward them. This can be simple to do.

The entire book is full of this insightful analysis of how to parent boys from young until old. And, as Dr. Meeker points out several times in the book, it is never too late to start parenting your child better (he will always be your son). So if you have boys, take the time to read this book and become just a little bit better as a parent: it can have a tremendous impact on your son.

On a side note, Dr. Meeker doesn't hit you over the head with her Catholicism. So even non-Catholics and non-Christians can enjoy this book. I've given her previous book on daughters to virtually all my friends with daughters and I believe this book is the same: they won't be offended by the content, but it is clearly Christian- (even Catholic-) based. So put away that Dr. Dobson stuff and read something great for your kids.

You can purchased Boys Should be Boys from Amazon.com here.

God bless,
Jay

Posted by jay at July 26, 2008 9:00 AM