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June 1, 2008
Summer Modesty for Catholic Parents
As the father of four girls, modesty is personally very important to me! In our world, girls are pushed away from modesty in almost every aspect of our culture. So teaching them the importance of being modest needs to be high on every parent's list of goals.
In practical terms, however, teaching modesty is difficult. I still believe it starts with a modest mother, who acts as a prime example for her young daughters from the very start. But it also takes a father who sets limitations and makes children - even teenagers - live within those expectations. In summer, we have beaches, pools, and hot weather that seems to bring modesty discussions to the forefront. I thought this was a good passage from Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters that shows a practical way of tackling this issue (page 99):
When battles [over modesty] heat up, however, you have to kick it into high gear. Don't be mean, loud, or aggressive. Kindness and strength in your beliefs work better. When your sixteen-year-old bounces into the kitchen with a bikini barely covering her large breasts and pubic area, smile and tell her that it's a gorgeous color, but the suit is too scant for her beautiful body. Tell her she needs to find a more modest suit that won't make the other girls feel jealous. When she is twenty-five, she'll thank you.
Standing guard over your daughter's sexuality is tough. It is nothing short of war. But teaching her that modesty is a strength and not a commodity of the prudish will pay off with enormous dividends.
[On a side note, I highly recommend that book for dads who have daughters]
So where do you start? I think developing a good set of rules is a good place to start, so we've developed these for my family:
- Certain parts of the body should always be covered by clothing, such as tummys for girls and all of the rear-end for boys.
- Underwear shouldn't be seen - on girls or boys.
- No two-piece swimsuits for girls and boys shouldn't just walk around shirtless unless on the beach or at the pool (need a legitimate reason).
- Shorts should be close to the knees on boys and girls.
- Sleeveless shirts for the most part aren't acceptable. We make exceptions for younger children and in certain situations.
- Generally clothes with holes in them are a no-no for boys and girls (this is usually jeans in my experience).
This sounds very negative and critical, but this is just a list for my wife and me. It's our mental list of "non-approved" dress, so to speak. So with the children we try to keep it more positive like the example above from Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters. And we always try to take into account reasonable variations from these rules, but most need a really valid reason to be ignored.
I think teaching children modesty lays a groundwork for teaching them Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body when they are older. So it provides a practical understanding of the body and sexuality that can be explained in more detail later by theology. And teaching your kids to respect their bodies will help enormously when the time comes that they are being pressured to take part in sexual activity.
Sometimes (lots of times during certain years), you'll be tempted to give up or give in because the battles "just aren't worth it." But this is not true. It is important as a parent to choose your battles, but this in particular is a battle worth fighting every time. It teaches your kids that you respect their bodies, even if they don't seem to at that time. And it underlines the importance of sexuality and the seriousness with which you take it. As Dr. Meeker explains (same book, page 98):
The good news is that when you teach your daughter that sex is intricately connected to every aspect of her being, she will believe you, because it intuitively makes sense to her. When you teach her that modesty is an important way to protect and honor her integrity, she'll understand that too, because kids have an innate sense of modesty. You have to be your daughter's protector and fight a culture that lies to her about sex and denies her right to modesty.
It's a battle worth fighting, every time. This is skewed more towards girls, since they seem to be the bigger battle. Although I would point out those baggy pants on boys that show their underwear is also immodest. And the rules still apply for them as well.
On a side note, Dr. Meeker has just released Boys Should Be Boys. As soon as I finish reading it, I'll post a review. But I can tell you that based on Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, it's probably worth reading!
God bless,
Jay
Posted by jay at June 1, 2008 1:47 PM
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Comments
Jay, can you elaborate on your concern about sleeveless blouses? I agree with everything you've said here in principle but that's one point that's always mystified me...I don't get how arms made the list of things that aren't suitable to be seen in public, though sleeveless blouses are something I've repeatedly seen listed as taboo.
Posted by: Tiffany at June 7, 2008 4:51 PM
Hello, Jay. I am a 36 year old woman who has been denied any sort of church my entire life because I was very unfortunate to be the only child of two people who could not agree on anything, especially not religion. My mother comes from a very small town in Kentucky; she lost her accent and her Bible as soon as she could when her family moved to the state of Washington; in Kentucky, her family were devout members of the Southern Baptist Church, I think; Bibles were not allowed at all in her home, nor any discussion of Christ, etc. My father and his family are from Idaho; he was the first one in his entire family to go to college; the first one to get a Bachelor's Degree from a University; he had to start sneaking to church by himself; I didn't find out until I was an adult and started to meet his friends; even now, I barely know him, except that when my parents split up when I was 17, my senior year of high school, he: had his marriage to my mother ANNULLED; married my step-mother BARB IN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH (she is a very nice woman with at least one adult child and grandchildren and she has always been very sweet to me). So, after 18 years of being mis-diagnosed with "psychological" ailments thanks to my mother, I have been beaten up, raped, and tortured on the streets, by the police, in mental hospitals, more times than I care to count or even remember. In the hospital in San Diego, CA last month was the first time I ever even thought to speak to a chaplain and THAT WORKED! They were so kind, loving, thoughtful, and understanding that I have definitely chosen Christianity and especially Catholicism as my true faith. I can finally have my father, step-mother, and his entire side of my family back in my life (my mother has kept us all apart all of these years), I can be christened and have God parents; I can be married in a church in a white dress; so, I, Corrie Lynn Craig, know exactly who I am, what I believe, where my soul has been and where it is going; I no longer believe in birth control or abortion (I've already had to have one, thanks to a rapist in Western State Hospital); it was my father WHO KNEW I NEVER HAD A "PSYCHOLOGICAL" PROBLEM; IT WAS MY FATHER WHO SHOWED UP WITH AN ATTORNEY FOR ME AT MY FIRST BOGUS PSYCH HOSPITALIZATION WHEN I WAS 18 IN SPOKANE, WA AT SACRED HEART HOSPITAL THAT HE HAD HIRED FOR ME AND TOLD ME TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT; MY NEW DIAGNOSIS - EPILEPSY! IT HAS BEEN AND ALWAYS WILL BE A NEUROLOGICAL DISORDER, NOT A PSYCHOLOGICAL ONE. SO NOW, I AM AT MY MOM'S HOUSE, TOO SICK OR SCARED TO TRAVEL ALONE; SHE IS AN UNWANTED GUEST IN MY RICH AUNT'S HOME, AS AM I; I AM MY MOTHER'S ONLY CHILD AND ALWAYS WILL BE; MY RICH AUNT CHOSE A CAREER OVER MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN OVER 30 YEARS AGO; THESE TWO WOMEN STILL BELIEVE THAT I AM THE ONE WITH THE BAD ATTITUDE AND MENTAL ILLNESS; I AM NOT ALLOWED TO SMILE OR MAKE COMPLETE EYE CONTACT WITH EITHER ONE OF THEM WITHOUT GETTING CHEWED OUT; SO PLEASE EMAIL ME; I AM ALSO ON MYSPACE, SO MAYBE I'LL PUT THAT URL UP HERE, TOO; I AM IN CONTACT WITH SYMPATHETIC FRIENDS LOCALLY, BUT NOW THAT I TAKE DILANTIN FOR THE EPILEPSY I AM "SEIZURE FREE" BUT STILL HOMELESS AND PENNILESS AND THE HEADACHES, ETC ARE SO BAD THAT I NEED A VICODIN OR SOMETHING JUST TO FUNCTION BUT I AM OUT OF MY KLONOPIN AND OVERDUE TO SEE A NEUROLOGIST BUT I AM NOW TERRIFIED OF COPS AND HOSPITALS. WELL, TTFN, I AM DUE FOR A BRUNCH DATE WITH MY MOTHER AND MY AUNT.
Posted by: MS. CORRIE L. CRAIG at June 15, 2008 11:37 AM
