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October 10, 2005
What Marriage and Parenthood Teach Us About Selfishness
As a father and a husband, if there is anything I have learned about myself it is that I am selfish. As a single, unattached man I often thought of myself as being very generous. I tithed, I helped out at the local parish, and I was always willing to help others in need.
Then, one fine August day, I got married... I quickly realized that I wasn't as "selfless" as I thought. Little things began to side swipe me... Letting my wife know where I was going...lending a helping hand with things like dishes, the laundry, vacuuming, etc. Things that as a single man I could do whenever I pleased. Now, as a married man, I had to realize that there was someone else in the house. Spending Sunday afternoons watching football suddenly became a big deal. Yet, marrying a wonderful, God-loving woman who was equally committed to "dying to self", we quickly developed a healthy compromise. We split choirs, I got to watch "a" football game and she got to watch her favorite show. After about a year, we thought we had put all selfishness behind us....
Then our son showed up :-) Having a child meant giving up even more. My wife and I used to enjoy several "date nights" a month. We would go to a movie and/or out to dinner. We would go on weekend trips. We would have book nights, where we would just read our favorite books. All of that changed with the arrival of our son. I should state here that we knew a lot of these things would come to an end with the arrival of our first-born and we were willingly ready for it...but being ready for it and experiencing the reality of such events are two different things. As I once read in one of C.S. Lewis' books, "Experience is a brutal teacher." Dirty diapers don't wait until Halftime. Vigilance becomes a family motto...especially when breakables are within reach. Sure I still get to watch my "1" football game...sure my wife still gets her occasional bath, yet our little one is always there.
Having a child is demanding...it continually requires one to "die to self" and live for another. This is all a part of God's design. Marriage and parenthood enable us to live more fully Christ's command:
If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. - Matthew 16:24-25
In living out, selflessly, our vocation as spouses and as parents we become more like Christ. The same can be said for those who have been called to the priesthood and/or religious life. So maybe we don't get to do all of those things we used to...what's important is that we are growing closer to Christ and fulfilling His plan for our lives.
In Christ,
Joe
Posted by jay at October 10, 2005 10:28 AM
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Comments
I completely agree with this! I have truly come to realize that the trials of parenthood almost force us to become holier, whether we want to or not. And in some ways, I think it is more difficult, and also more edifying, than the selfishness you freely let go of once you marry. It's almost as if we are the children and God is the parent when we become parents: we are the ones being changed, cleaned, molded, fashioned, and formed, sometimes fighting and rebelling and throwing our little temper tantums ourselves.
Posted by: Philothea Rose at October 10, 2005 01:24 PM
